Always Wanting More

This evening, I’m wide awake guilty of something I’m forever moaning at my wife for, that’s wanting more. Its exhausting, and my wife is forever driving me mad with this, for example, we have 3 cats and one of them has just had a litter of kittens, and she wants to keep yet another one. Or we had a perfectly good Bugaboo Cam which we got only a few months ago and she’s gone and got a brand new Bugaboo B3 pushchair, what was wrong with the old one? Or new things around the house either way her desires always come down to spending money.

What I desire doesn’t cost money, in a way, it’s just a state or point of which I thought I would be by now, and I’m not happy I’ve not achieved it. When I was a child people would ask me what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do, and my answer was always working for myself. I want to be ‘independent’ and have a company or business that I’ve built up and earning my own money. By now I thought I’d have an empire, a decent house that was mine, a nice car and not having to worry about where money was going to come from.

Don’t get me wrong, with my wife and I now both working and bringing in decent(ish) money we aren’t worried, but we can’t afford to stop renting for example. I get frustrated with myself when I get into this frame of mind, I’ve got a lot to be thankful for and I’ve achieved a lot in my 28years on this planet. Despite my health and missing a lot of school I worked hard and got good grades and a good degree, I’ve got a good job, I’ve got a family and I’m able to provide for them, and I’ve been privileged enough to see a fair amount of the world with some nice trips and holidays in the past. So why am I not able to accept to myself what I say to my wife that ‘enough’ is good enough, why am I wide awake fretting about this?

Why, despite the fact that my rational mind knows this, and I am genuinely happy at the moment, that I feel so down about this. I had all these plans growing up of where I thought I would be right now, and I feel I’ve achieved barely any of them and I don’t feel I am now, or ever will be in a position to try and achieve them in the future. I hate it when I get like this, this feeling of being down, spiralling as I stay up, frustrated at myself for getting like this, reminding myself of all I’ve achieved but somehow making it worse in doing so, as I get more frustrated that A) I can’t accept those arguments, and B) it reminds me of what I haven’t achieved in my life goals, and the cycle continues, until eventually I finally fall asleep and wake up grumpy, down and even lower, which limits my ability to pull myself out of it.

I genuinely don’t know what to do, I say I’m fine to my wife, and that I’m happy (and I am happy for what I have don’t get me wrong) but I am putting on an act to some degree, much life I’ve always done for other people or other reasons, as a defence from admitting to her, or myself that actually, I’m not, I don’t feel I’ve hit my targets or aspiratoins, I feel there are things I haven’t given enough effort to, or even attempted, but I can’t tell her that, yet I don’t know why. We have one of the most supportive of relationships, especially recently, we can openly talk about our feelings to each other, in a supporting environment with no judgement or moaning back or taking offence but I just feel she would take this as me saying I’m not happy with ‘our’  life.

I guess this is just another area I need to note down to work on, I know people say if you want something go and make it happen, and believe me if I thought I could, I would. I have the drive and passion but it isn’t always that easy as much as the cliché would have you think, how could I just uproot everything to take a selfish jump into the unknown putting myself and my families comfort at risk, on the hope I ‘may’ achieve what I want and bring myself happiness, risking everyone else’s, and mine if it didn’t work, in the process? I don’t see how I can.

Well I should probably try and wind down and get some sleep, rather than beating myself up and going on like a broken record, I will admit writing it down has helped a bit, even if it’s just putting the ‘angst’ down on paper to get it out, it’s helped a little. I’ll continue my internal battle of wits, and maybe try to talk with my wife tomorrow about how I’m feeling, it comes in cycles it’ll go away in a bit but then will come back. Maybe if I talk to her openly it might got once and for all? Who knows, anyway, night all.


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