I haven’t posted again for a few days, and I really want to be writing a post about my weekend, and the last week in general as things finally seem to be getting into a routine and life seems to be becoming easier and settling down, but I feel the title is relevant, because no sooner have things started feeling better, and I’ve been feeling much happier, I’m brought back down to earth by starting off today incredibly rough.
Over the last 7 days this have been great, the girls have started sleeping through again (although this has been for the last 2 weeks nearly) and so I’m caught up on sleep, I’m getting into a routine with them during the days and they have been really receptive of that, and I’ve caught up with the house to the point things are manageable 5 minute jobs to keep on top of it now. So life has felt a lot less stressful. Our routine is now mornings play time or a film followed by lunch, when my youngest goes for a nap after lunch my eldest gets messy play, either painting or play doh or something while I blitz the house and then when my youngest wakes up again they go in the bath while dinner is cooking. Once we’ve had dinner and they’re dry from their bath I get them ready for bed for when my wife gets home from work and I go out to dialysis, and it seems to really be working.
Over the last week we’ve also had a mass clear out of the house, getting rid of old toys the kids have outgrown, clothes the kids have outgrow, rubbish that has been lying around because I’ve been too tired to get on top of it, and finally getting on top of the piles of washing that have been lying around. So now in my ‘blitz’ it is just putting a few bits away each time and a quick hoover, so even if I’m feeling run down and tired, it’s manageable for me to do and keep on top of, so the house is looking much better to, which again, makes me feel a lot more relaxed.
I’m going to feel bad for saying this, and I’m not sure how many agree, but dealing with the kids, and engaging them has felt almost like a chore, but recently, it’s been fun and enjoyable and I’m so happy I’m finally able to ‘enjoy’ them again, and that I’m in that frame of mind. We managed to get out over the weekend which was fantastic, despite how low I’ve been feeling recently, with my aches and pains and fatigue. Normally this would put me off feeling up to going out, but in being more relaxed and life feeling more enjoyable those issues haven’t felt as bad. So on Saturday we went to an open farm, and both the girls loved it, the youngest one especially enjoyed getting out of the pushchair and up close with the animals. I was so proud especially of my eldest, she is only 2 and a half but she really wanted to do a Pony Ride. I imagined that once she was up on the horse panic would set in and she’d start screaming to get off, which filled me with panic, as I imagined that could be quite a dangerous situation. However, she got up on the horse, held on to the reins as she was told, and she loved it, no panics, no cares that me and my wife weren’t following her, and I was so so proud of her in that moment, and the pictures were great.
So we had her first ever experience of a Pony Ride on Saturday, on Sunday we took her bed shopping, as we are planning the furniture for our new place should we move soon. While out at the shops, I suggested we treated her to PizzaHut for lunch as a treat as she has been such a good girl the last week. That went down a blast and we all enjoyed that too!
So why am I feeling so down this morning, and leading on to my title. It’s a mix of things, my session of dialysis last night was a late one, I didn’t get home until 11pm which is one of the later time’s I’ve been home since starting dialysis, and they took too much fluid off last night which caused me to get cramps all through the night, keeping me up. The lack of sleep has impacted my ability to remain positive this morning, and ignore the long lasting headache and aches and pains I have had for weeks, which haven’t been half as bad recently, I assume due to my recent positivity. The worst thing bringing me down is the fact this is the first time since starting back at work I’ve felt not fit to work, and with all the sick I have had, I feel bad that I’m causing an impact yet again when things have been going so well recently. I also need to get in touch with the hospital as I think there are issues with my fistula arm, which is worrying.
Reading back through this, what I’m taking away from the post is that it’s OK to have a bad day. Everyone has them, and with the ups and downs of my health it’s going to happen. Looking back on the last week and how much easier life has felt and how much more like me I have felt, bad days are going to happen and I can’t dwell on them too much. It’s hard, I do feel bad and want to regress to my snappy stroppy self, and my poor wife has felt the brunt of that this morning, but hopefully she wont hold it against me, and I’ll try and make up for it later.