Today has been a very long, very hard day, for both me and my wife. As you may know if you’ve read any of my other posts recently my wife has been rough all week, with what I can only assume is the flu. I don’t envy her, I’ve been feeling under the weather, but no where near as rough as she has been, and as I stated in my earlier post this morning, I was out at 1.30 this morning getting her stuff from Tesco to make her more comfortable and help her get sleep.
With the few hours sleep I did get it’s understandable I’ve really had no energy or motivation to do anything today, but the girls have been such a handful, I’ve really not had the patience, so my poor wife has dealt with them, on top of dealing with how rough she’s feeling for a couple of hours, so I could simply take myself away from it all, and I did, I went to the kitchen and baked for a couple of hours, which was a nice distraction, if only for a little bit, before it was back to the grind of prepping dinner, dealing with screaming kids and my blood pressure boiling again.
Now, I’ve been finding it very difficult to deal with today, made worse as I say by the lack of sleep and constant pain in my hip and back. So I completely understand my wife’s frustration with them when she is feeling so unwell. It’s hard to deal with when your having a good day, and I am more the suited, I feel to be able to understand that point of view. What I can’t handle, and what I don’t appreciate is not long before I need to be getting ready to go to dialysis is my wife completely lashing out at me saying I only care about myself, that I do nothing to help and she can’t deal with it, she’s had enough with the girls and is going, that I will have to find childcare, or miss dialysis.
Don’t get me wrong, the ‘irrational’ I’m going sort dialysis somehow etc part I don’t begrudge, when you are feeling that low, it’s easy to say things like that, be irrational and not think. So I’m not going to hold that against her. I wish I could stay this calm when she gets so upset and gets like this, and support her, but it comes at times when we are both so low, that I lose that ability, she presses my buttons and I flip, making the situation even worse.
I know it’s just lashing out, but to say I don’t care when only 12 hours before I was getting out of bed, putting on clothes and going out in the dead of night in the freezing cold for cough syrup, when I get up majority of nights to allow her the best chance of rest because she works these days, and she does it for us because of my health, and going against the comparison that when I worked and she didn’t I still did the majority of nights is what causes me to flip. It feels sometimes as though if something doesn’t go how she wants, then she will just turn it on me, so if I don’t do 1 thing then I suddenly don’t care about anything. I do find this heart breaking, I feel a lot of the times I keep quiet and push through pain and suffering to try and facilitate a smoother life for her, partly because I feel guilty I’m not in good health and providing the life I should for my family and simply because I just want her to have a simple life and feel loved. But if she can’t see or appreciate the effort, then is there any point?
I’ve said numerous times that since being the one at home and her being the one working (so role reversal) that I see and understand how difficult it could be for her at times, and appreciate everything she did do (and does), but I’ve never really heard that back and so I can’t help feel taken for granted.
I guess the main point here is I’m mad at both of us. I am mad that she makes me feel like I’m taken for granted, and doesn’t ‘see’ all I do do, and that I feel I have to point it out when we have arguments. I’m mad that in the heat of the moment she says just the right things that prevent me from keeping calm. But that’s why I’m mad at myself, that I can’t keep quiet and tell myself that she’s allowed to have this moment, to get it off her chest and not to take it personally or hold it against her, regardless of my current physical or mental state, she should be allowed time to explode and vent, and I should afford her that opportunity I feel, and she should return the favour. We know each other well enough, and talk often enough about these habits we have that we know we only do it because we feel save with each other and can use each other as an outlet, it may not be healthy, but we should be supportive to each other.
The worst thing is the feeling that I’ve failed her, seeing that she has got to this point of verging on breakdown, I should be there to support her, and I’m not able to do that as much any more (or at all tonight, having to go out to dialysis and leaving her alone with the screaming kids). But it feels like she doesn’t see, or forgets just how capable and strong she can be, when she started a new, fulltime job, more hours than she’d ever worked in her career and picking up new skills, and having to deal with the girls on her own and arrange daily childcare because I had been admitted to hospital and chasing around before and after work when adjusting to a new routine was remarkable, and she did it, no one else. Despite everything, I am so proud of the strong women my wife is, which is even more reason I feel bad I don’t let her have these moments.
Remember this in arguments with your partners, make no assumptions and talk about everything calmly, understand the others point of view, and above all, if you can’t do this in the heat of the moment and it does escalate, take 5 minutes afterwards, calm down, try to talk it out and remember don’t hold it against them, we are all only human.
Sorry to my wife, who despite everything, still puts up with me!