Well this looks like it is certainly becoming a habit. Late at night (well early morning now) and popping up another post, but I can’t sleep because, yet again the little one won’t let me. I think moving forward, it’s going to be safer to assume I’m not getting any sleep, and I’ll say in a post when I do finally get some, so I’m not always repeating myself. Anyway, it’s been quite a long day, and now it’s winding down and I’m listening to the baby monitor I find myself feeling quite confused.
As I’ve mentioned a few times I been receiving counselling of late which has helped me get in touch with my feelings and understand me a lot more, and there is still a lot of work to be done, but I’m not understanding the conflict in my head right now. I feel happy, much like I did last night, which is great, I’ve longed for this upbeat, bubbly feeling where nothing currently is stressing me out and I’m able to breeze through the day despite my trials, but something seems a miss. I feel quite down at the same time. This is where my confusion starts, is it normal, or possible to be happy and sad at the exact same very moment, because I’ve never experienced that, and my rational sense of mind is “you feel an emotion, if you’re happy, why do you feel sad?” and I don’t know if this is just because I’m still learning about my feelings or because I have so much unresolved.
Like I said yesterday there is a long list of things I’m happy for, and with the recent new medication lowering my high blood pressure as a side effect of my illnesses, and simply life the last week has been calmer and slower, things have just seemed easier, which has brightened my mood and made me a bit more like the old me. I always used to be happy, a smile on my face, nothing would phase me, except, and I never told my family this (or myself for that matter), that was mainly a face I would put on for them. I grew up not understanding half of the things I was going through as I was too young, and given my age, I assumed they were the norm. Comments from family that then followed as I grew up of “oh it’s fantasic despite what you go through you are always smiling” I didn’t want to disappoint.
There were often times I was unhappy, but the thing is, I didn’t realise that then, it’s only now when I think back over memories, and pay attention to them, I am seeing the times and understanding what I was going through. I’m scared I’ve repressed so much. I’m not sure what is making me feel down though, as I say, this week seems to have been good, but like my counsellor would say, “listen to your feelings and give yourself time to tend to them”, this is what I’m trying to do now, and why I am doing this blog in a way but I don’t know why. It’s frustrating me, and I want to know what is happening in my head that I can’t access to be bringing me to this mind frame. I mean, yes there is a lot going on that is understandably wearing me down, and that will contribute to it, but I’m worried. I’m worried I could be regressing and acting in my old ways of thinking I’m happy when in fact I’m not, am I trying to fool myself? and is this new found ‘happiness’ a cover for something I can’t accept, or not ready to?
This clearly shows I’ve got a lot more on my journey of understanding myself. I hope this is a normal thing, this state of flux and that one can be happy and sad at the same time with no sinister meaning behind it. I hope I’m over thinking this because it’s a scary thought that I could be trying to hide from myself like I used to ‘act’ or ‘hide’ from others, I know where that path lead me. If I’m really honest, I guess I still haven’t adjusted to dialysis yet and the change it has brought to our lives (although I tell family and friends I have and I’m doing fine), it’s just such a huge thing and having to go out late 3 nights a week is a struggle. I’m also worried about my joints, I’m getting terrible pain in my knees and wrists, which is making it difficult to deal with the girls at times and help my wife, but I’m scared to let on and have her worry even more with enough going on at the moment, she’s been ill the last week so I’ve been working harder to let her rest back to full strength.
Reading that last paragraph back, I guess I can understand some of the things wearing me down, which could impact on this feeling low, so I’m glad I’ve had this ‘brain dump’, but I still can’t shake this fear there’s something more. I hope there isn’t.