Feeling Happy Feels Weird

As I sit here, watching The Goldberg’s (yes I’m a fan of the show) I find myself feeling quite happy this evening.

That’s a weird feeling for me, I’ve not felt noticeably happy in a long time, and I find myself wondering why. I’m still shattered from lack of sleep and late nights, I’m in pain and run down from dialysis and I’m full of stinking cold. Not to mention a whole long list of other things that of late have been wearing me down. But again, tonight, I feel quite chill and upbeat.

I like it when I feel like this, and I’m glad I’ve started this blog, for my own benefit to write it down and revisit it later.

I’m taking this time to reflect on why I’m happy, and I hope (or like to think) that I am happy more often than not and it is the point-in-time daily trials that just cloud the feeling and that tonight, some miracle second wind has given me the energy I need to not let those things wear me down quite so much. Again I don’t know. But what I do know is what I’m happy for, a few obvious ones listed below (I won’t put a whole list it would take forever):

  • My wife;
  • My kids;
  • Our Home;
  • My Job;
  • Despite my poor health that it’s not life limiting

But the strange thing I keep coming back to is just why I don’t understand how everything seems so amusing, my daughter is up next to me, keeping me up, and I don’t care. My wife is moaning at me that she is ill and got a long list of things wrong with her, and I’m finding some sort of funny side in that and laughing. Not in a mean way, but when she’s getting hysterical “I’ve had enough of the girls tonight, seriously like every ten minutes, I can’t deal with it tonight” that’s how I’ve been, and I’m finding it funny seeing, what you could consider my reflection.

I need to understand what is helping me see the world with this emotion right now, so I can hold on to it, and get it back at times when I loose sight of the good in my life and get snappy and tired and run down, and that’s what I’ve been working on in counselling. A long time ago, I was so disconnected from my feelings, when asked how I felt about situations I couldn’t tell you. I’d never give myself time to reflect life was very much a thing I did, without a second thought and once a moment had passed it was gone, “what’s the point in wasting time with feelings” I would say but I was so wrong.

I’m glad I can write things down like this now, and know I am changing, noticing my feelings and taking the time to take care of them and listen to them, it’s certainly made a difference in who I am of late, and I hope I can continue to improve and make progress, but as it is, for tonight, I’m signing off, happy, chilled and most importantly ready for bed!

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