My Feeling At The End Of The Day, Tired And Frustrated

Oh my it’s been a rough day in the end, so much for start as you mean to go on as I stated I hoped it would be in my earlier post. This afternoon the girls have been a right handful, my youngest has been very clingy and whiney making it impossible to complete any task easily, and the eldest has been nuts, and clingy due to wanting attention where her younger sister was getting it. Par for the course with multiple kids, and no less than I expect, but it’s certainly challenging me. As I’m sat here, resting (long overdue) and listening to the kids still singing to each other on the monitor I can’t help but feel my blood pressure increasing.

My wife and I have just had a ‘barney’ I wouldn’t class it as an argument but it’s enough to have riled me. She’s going off at me that I don’t do enough of the ‘5 second’ jobs around the house, such as dusting, simple things, you know the type. My argument is that I focus on the more major tasks such as keeping on top of the washing, getting the clothes dry and put away so we all have clean clothes to wear (believe me, with 3 females in the house there are A LOT of clothes!!, and, off topic, shoes!! 31 pairs I counted the other day, not counting my 2, 31 pairs between 3 females! Anyway I digress)

She pressed my buttons and it got into a tit for tat type of thing where I started throwing back my often used, “I’m frequently tired, I do what I can, and so focus on the more important things” or “when I worked full time and you didn’t work, when I got home I’d contribute to the housework” (she doesn’t much, and I’m still working to) or my favourite “if they’re only ‘5 second’ jobs why don’t you do them in the evenings as I’ve spent all day doing the other bits”

We have this back and forth quite a bit, but sitting here now, calmly reflecting, while I feel my points are valid (I would, I’m bais toward myself, obviously) I do see her point of view. When I worked and she stayed at home, the house was a lot cleaner, there was mess yes, but you’d expect it as we have kids, but it was a lot less messy than now I’m at home taking on the role, and when I was working I never really appreciated how much work there is in ‘House Work’ so it’s given me an appreciation for what she did, and does, and managing that with the kids running around after you ruining it all again is very impressive. I admire her for that, and I’m glad I can see her view and understand her experience. The reason the argument always gets to me, is because I don’t feel she does the same, trying to put herself in my shoes I mean. I understand situations are different, but I don’t feel she does, she managed it all when she wasn’t working at all, and is in full health.

I accept, as I say that when she did it, it was a lot better around here, and there are days I get good energy and get the entire place turned around to her standard, but that is it, I do still work 2 days a week, and I go out 3 evenings a week for dialysis which doesn’t see me home until around 11pm each time (and knocks me for 6), and still deal with the kids through the night because she works the next day (although some days so do I) so I do feel it’s slightly unfair on my part.

I’m feeling frustrated, and need to vent at times, I like to try and put myself in other peoples positions, and I try to not blow of the handle and use my health as an excuse and throw that at her but it gets hard sometimes. The tiredness of us both due to the girls isn’t helping with us being snippy with each other about the small things. I’m a lot better these days, I’ve received counselling from the hospital due to other issues a couple of years ago, whereby I went into self destruct, and around a year ago became, not aggressive as such, but I would get stroppy, and grumpy and not able to hold my feelings and it would come out at my wife regardless of if it was her who had riled me or not and I’ve got a lot of work to do still on myself, but I’m coping, the best way I know how, so when I then get criticism of such trivial things when I feel like I’m trying so hard, it hurts. Am I wrong?

Anyway, enough tonight, the post has taken a turn, original purpose was to be an update of my day and it’s turned into an in-depth of my frustration right now. But that’s why I started this, to put down what I feel when I feel it. Anyway night all, tomorrow work and dialysis, joy!


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