I am so F’in tired this morning, I know it’s par for the course with kids, and I know that because of dialysing late last night I would be tired, but it was another rough night, this time from both my kids. The eldest again with the sleep regression (at least that’s what I’m putting it down to) and the youngest because she’s not at all well.
I feel so rough and grumpy, and I really am dreading the day at home with them on my own, the last few days my wife has been off work sick, which has made things a bit easier as I’ve had someone around, but the tiredness, and lack of sleep is affecting me in so many ways. I have very little energy as it is from dialysis, coupled with that the loss of appetite so I’m rarely eating these days and lost a lot of weight, the lack of food also affects my energy. I try to force myself to eat but I’m just not into it. Not eating is a shame, I used to love my food, and while I wasn’t extremely large, I was much bigger than I am today since starting dialysis.
Both these things coupled with the fact that I have no working kidneys which also make’s someone very tired (the dialysis is a double edged sword, it helps to keep you alive and act as your kidney, but makes you, or at least it is me, even more tired)
Some days I wonder how I go on, I guess it’s because I have to, I see so many other people just ‘doing nothing’ and getting lots of help or handouts, and in some cases where they simply don’t need it and are playing the system. I also see people who have full health, one child, don’t work and say it’s too much or when they have a simple cold say they simply can’t go on. This frustrates me, but at the same time I appreciate everyone has different thresholds they can cope with and someone like me who has lived all their life facing illnesses and knock-backs probably develops a sense to push themselves?
I think this morning I am just down, and feeling sorry for myself, as I said in my first blog, that is the purpose of this site, a place for me to jot down how I’m feeling, or vent and using it as place to see what I was up to or how I was feeling on particular days and reflect, the fact that it’s in the public domain is my choice and I don’t mind, maybe you as a reader will find it interesting I don’t know. There will probably many, many of these random jot downs but I’ll do an update later as to how my day has been regarding handling the girls…